Are you fighting more during the holidays? Do you feel more stressed-out than other times of the year?
Yep, history shows us that January winds up being the month that most people start divorce proceedings.
Think about that: it’s kind of weird because the holiday message from Thanksgiving to New Year’s is all about family, love, connection, gratitude, and resolutions about improving in the new year.
Yet, that doesn’t change the facts.
Instead of connecting with our partner more we wind up putting more stress on our relationship:
Money conflict and stress is a leading cause of divorce and the holidays create a perfect storm of financial stress from gift-buying as well as potentially arguing about how to spend on so-and-so.
Traveling to see family can also impose a financial burden as well as involve the typical stressors of traffic and/or crowded...
Thanksgiving is an, errr…., interesting time.
Here’s what too many people tell me they’re wrapped up in: *Scrambling to get everything together for a family get-together *Planning weekend shopping *Dreading seeing a particular relative, or sweating who to invite so as to minimize possible fights
Listen, I’ve been there too, ain’t no judgement here.
What I AM here to say is that the holidays have a way of bringing out the worst in relationships even though in our minds they should bring out the best (honestly I think a lot of problems are because of this expectation!)
Even the strongest relationships typically have a ramped-up level or stress and fighting this season.
And if you’re already disconnected, exhausted, or arguing? If there’s: Not enough time together? Tired from work? Arguments over money, chores and children? No time or energy for niceties, flirting or sex?
A relationship which is already struggling can find that the...
Do you ever feel like giving up?
Like no matter what you do, no matter how hard you try, you just can’t get your relationship on the right track?
I’ve been there.
I know how frustrating, lonely, even scary that can be.
But I want to share with you a REAL-WORLD example of the power of belief and hope.
The Patriots/Falcons Superbowl is maybe the best example of the power the of hope that I’ve come across in a LONG time.
You see, with only 20 minutes left to play the Patriots were down 28 to 3, and here’s the kicker: no team had ever come back from more than a 10-point defecit to win a supwerbowl.
The Patriots were getting knocked down in a way they NEVER knocked around. They could have given up and saved some frustration but…
THEY STAYED POSITIVE AND KEPT WORKING AT IT.
Little by little, bit by bit they noticed opportunities and took advantage of them.
The defecit got narrower and narrower…
Look, I’m a New Yorker so there’s no...
Do you want to improve your marriage this year?
I’m going to tell you what to watch out for along with specific tips.
One small change, applied consistently, can dramatically improve your marriage. Of course, the trick is consistency. :)
Just think: changing the heading of a plane or boat by 5 degrees over a 1,000 mile journey will cause the final destination to be 87 miles away from the original! From New York to LA would be a 250 mile difference! Or think of that little river which ultimately carved the Grand Canyon.
Consistency is the problem: most people don’t see results fast enough and just “give up”.
And sometimes people try to change MANY things at the same time, which takes a lot (I mean a LOT) more energy, and again: most people give up.
The trick (especially if you’re working without a coach or counselor) is...
Do things seem “stiff” between you and your lover? Do one or both of you tend to be serious? (Maybe even overly so….)
There’s a time and place for seriousness, and that place is NOT creating love.
Often we get serious in response to stress.
And we feel tons (TONS!) of stress from the needs and pressures of work, our relationships, money, home and (if we’ve got them) kids. Believe me, I get it.
But stress (especially prolonged stress) can drive a wedge between you and your partner.
Especially if you’re an entrepreneur or executive because then everything just gets cranked up that much higher (to ‘11’, as us “Spinal Tap” fans say :).
Stress can erode love same as a river can carve a canyon.
WARNING: Do I have to tell you that prolonged stress causes our immune systems to break down and our emotional reserves run dry, making us irritable and short-tempered.
Here’s a BIG secret: the problem is NOT the...
If you want to steer clear of divorce (and believe me, you want to steer clear of divorce) then it’s good to know what the most common cause are so that you can be on the lookout and nip potential problems in the bud.
Men, know this:
Yup. Far and away more women initiate divorce procedings.
Some men are oblivious while others would rather be in an unhappy marriage than back in the dating scene. Either way, the reasons behind initiating divorce tend to be the same.
Women cite feeling taken for granted, put upon, and having to “take care” of the relationship all by themselves as the top reasons for seeking divorce.
It would be inaccurate (as well as sexist) to state the problem as “men always do this” and “women always do that” but even in this day and age there ARE some patterns which are much more common than you might think.
The bottom line: ...
Have you ever tried to “fix” a partner, or even just tweak the way they dress, or speak, or even what kind of work they do?
Or have you been on the other end with a partner trying to change YOU?
This is on my mind because I just saw a play about this very thing (“Pygmalion”, and later made into the movie “My Fair Lady”) wherein the sophisticated Henry Higgins bets his friend that he can take the “common girl” Eliza and train her to be seen as a sophisticated lady.
My own views on this kind of things (which is VERY common) tend to be kind of controversial.
Most people feel that you should accept your partner just they way are (and likewise they should accept you) because it’s wrong to try and change someone and next to impossible anyway.
Some people feel (and let’s be honest here: it’s most often women) that it’s perfectly fine to “polish” a partner who might be a little...
Are you making the absolute #1 communication mistake without realizing it?
We’re talking about the scientificially demonstrated mistake that destroys love and leads to divorce.
I’m not talking about shouting, or fighting, or name-calling, or love languages (though those are all important).
The absolute #1 communication partners make is non-responsiveness. That is, not responding to your partner when they reach out to you, either verbally or physically.
When they talk about their day do you look in their eyes and have an actual conversation? When they ask for help do you jump in? When they touch your shoulder do you smile and touch them back?
Modern distractions like smartphones and TV make it all to easy to not even notice that your love has asked you a question or distract you from bothering to respond to them.
And, if your lives are already busy with careers, commuting (and especially children) then it’s likely that you’re each missing out...
What kind of marriage do you have?
Other posts have described the four kinds of marriages:
You might have noticed that none of them are labeled “happy”, and there’s a good reason for that.
Both “functional” and “thriving” marriages can be happy, but a functional marriage is very different from a thriving marriage.
Most people wind up settling for a disappointing or functional marriage because they don’t even believe that it’s possible to have a thriving marriage.
Now, I specialize in helping people get to thriving, even if they’re currently stuck in a broken marriage. The first step is really all about knowing that level exists and having the courage to reach for it....
If your wife is anything like 99% (99.9% ???) of women then there are four things that she absolutely craves that she's probably not getting or, at least, not getting enough of.
Think about everything your wife does for you, for your home and (if you have them) for your kids.
Who shops? Who cooks? Who cleans?
AND... are they doing that on top of holding down a job?
I know you appreciate her but how much do you actually let her know, especially in the way that she needs to be shown?
Your woman absolutely CRAVES to be cherished.
Some things are just written into our DNA and the fact is that women need to be cherished in the same way that men need to be needed.
How do you show her that she's cherished? That you adore her? That you'd choose her all over again?
Your lady craves intimacy and I'm not talking about time between the sheets (although that certainly is part of it).
Far too many men just don't give...